Eating disorder freedom

Once upon a time, I was not very kind to my body. I starved it, binged and purged, created strange binding rituals around when, where and how often I could eat, and totally beat myself up if I failed to adhere to them. I was lifeless, controlled by food, and could think of nothing else but how I was literally starving and desperate for real nutrition.

When I finally vocalized my silent cry for help, I began weekly "counselling sessions" in which my doctor (supposedly a specialist in the field) weighed me, listen to me talk about my obsession and the unattainable weight I wanted to reach (I still remember, I wanted to be 142 pounds- so random- and I am 5'11"), then she tried to help me find places to cut from so that I could reduce my weight further. I'm not kidding. You know how you have those pivotal moments in your life that you will never forget? Here was mine:

Dr "crazy": So what did you eat for breakfast?
Starving me: I had toast with peanut butter.
Dr "crazy": Well, how much peanut butter did you use?
Starving me: Um, I don't know. [lie]
Dr "crazy": Well, if you could reduce that from say, 2 tablespoons to 1 tablespoon, you could cut some of your fat intake.

Nope. Not kidding. I was literally starving myself and this woman, that my family had trusted to help me, was trying to find ways for me to cut calories and fat. She seemed completely oblivious to the private turmoil in my soul and instead seemed to really think this whole thing was actually about the food. What a maroon...

I decided that I had to make a choice: either I stay stuck in the cycle of starve, binge, purge, guilt and self-hatred, or I choose to break free. Now, I write that in a sentence, but that was a multi-year endeavour without any help. It was grueling, soul sapping and I was alone in that aspect of my life.  I am sharing this because for any of you who are going through this same battle or know someone who is, they don't have to go it alone.

My sister Shan has launched a mentoring program, as she felt the calling to help other women; she is now free from the hell of her own eating disorder. She has developed a clear, supported method to help women pull themselves out of the grasp of their eating disorders. Whether one of "her girls" has anorexia, bulimia or compulsive, disordered eating, she has the tools, the plans and real-life advice as to how to overcome it all. Best of all: you don't have to tread that path alone. Let her be your guide.

Shan has just launched her YouTube page which I've linked to below. If you are in the grips of this terrible illness, watch her video, sign up for updates and contact her. You'll be very glad you did.

http://www.youtube.com/user/shanlarter

Eating disorder freedom

The next phase

So I had my follow up with the gastroenterologist (after a positively miserable weekend) and he would like to do a small-intestine biopsy. Truth be told, the chances of it coming back showing damage are slim to none, but hey, I'm up for giving it a whirl. Apparently I get some good drugs and the day off work while I recover from a very quick, but kind of yucky test, and for what it may answer, I say rave on.

But with our "free" healthcare, that test won't be until next year...

Until then, I'll just keep rocking as I am. Chin up, moving on.

Thanks for listening!
Kirsten

The next phase

"Poor me" day

I had a big, fat, ugly "poor me" day yesterday. I was again feeling ill—gut cramps, nausea and "other symptoms"; truth is, I haven't felt quite "right" since my ambulance ride on Tuesday (my last post has some more info about that). Here are the thoughts I've been having:

1) I'm so tired of being and feeling sick.

2) I'm so tired of not knowing what made me sick, and of spending hours trying to figure it out. This all goes back to Celiac symptoms being so varied and occurring in very different time frames for different people. One person could react in 20 minutes, someone else could react in 3 days, and both could continue to react for only hours or weeks.

3) I am tired of the feeling of dread that comes when my poor husband just wants to go out to dinner. The man loves eating out, and when he mentions going somewhere, I immediately want to get a staple gun and staple my mouth closed. Or maybe just call rent-a-wife so that someone "normal" could go out for a cheeseburger with him.

4) I'm tired of being hungry.  I don't deny myself food, but I get tired of eating the same thing all the time so in the end, I just get tired of eating- period. Although I may be hungry, I often walk into the kitchen, check on all my choices, and high-tail it out of there.

5) I'm tired of waiting for the "bomb" to drop. Whenever I eat anywhere but home, I know the chances of becoming sick are high. So, it's like walking around with a bomb in your guts, and you know the chances of it exploding are significant. Then when it does, I play the "well, that was really stupid of you", "why did you take that chance" game (the answer being of course "because for five minutes I wanted to feel like a normal person who can go and eat at a restaurant").

For the last year, I feel like I've been doing the gluten-free thing on a hunch, and therefore it felt like my choice. But since I found out about the DQ2 marker a week ago (see last post) I now know that this is it. This is how my life is going to be until I die. All I can do is hope that someone in this stinking city opens a gluten free restaurant (there is virtually nothing- maybe a few pizza places but I don't eat dairy so they don't do me much good) so that one day, I can just say "hey, I really feel like going out for dinner tonight!" and I can eat anything other than salad. Some days, I really hate salad.

I guess in a way, I'm mourning. I'll get over it...eventually.

"Poor me" day

I have the genetic marker for Celiac Disease

I received a call a few days ago, and my gastroenterologist shared some information with me that I was both expecting and fearing: I have the DQ2 genetic marker that is associated with 95% of people with Celiac disease. I now know, with 99% certainty, that I have Celiac. You see, I have the genes that predispose me to having Celiac disease, but we don't know at this point if the genes are "on"- for lack of a better description. Kind of like how you might have the gene for breast cancer, but you may never develop it. Well, when you have the DQ2 marker, as I understand it, you have anywhere from a 36%-54% chance of eventually turning "on" those genes due to some stress (emotional or physical) that flips the switch. Then you start to have all the symptoms- like all the ones I've had since I was young, and continue to have when I accidentally ingest something I shouldn't have.

Now, it's really only my true gut feeling (pardon the pun) that leads me to believe that the genes were "on" when I stopped eating gluten. I have a follow up appointment with the gastroenterologist on this issue on Monday, but here's what I think is going to happen.

Doc: You know, we don't really know if you had any reaction to gluten before you stopped eating it.
Me: Yeah, I get that.
Doc: So in my mind, you should be trying to eat it so that we can establish whether or not you have the immune response to gluten. If you don't, you should just eat bread.
Me: Right. That sounds like a real hoot, the whole "eating it and potentially signing up for being ill for weeks on end". Let's do that.

Um, no. Mr. Pick it Up is begging me to give it a whirl so I can know, but it's more than just a blood test. I figure I would have to eat a piece of bread every day for a month, then get the blood test, then continue to eat it while it slowly damages my intestines (intestines, I might add that have had a full year now to repair themselves- I had my first almost-normal iron reading since as long as I've been measuring it!!!) so that I can ultimately have a biopsy where the damage will be visible. Then what? Then I'd go on a gluten free diet for the rest of my life. Oh yeah, I already did that.

I don't know. A very very small piece of me is curious about the 1% possibility, but a few things are holding me back from investigating:

1) I don't know many mommies who can sign up for a self-imposed sick leave.
2) Just this week on Tuesday, I had a gut cramp that was so bad, I thought I would pass out or throw up. I was at work shaking, sweating and in agony. We called the ambulance. It resolved itself but the pain was like going into labour - except from nothing to crowning in ten minutes. They couldn't say what happened, but could it have been gluten? Possibly. I've also been nauseous on and off since then. My house is a bit of a mine field of the kids' and husband's gluten-filled foods...you never know when a few crumbs can do you in. Anyways, it's something I'd rather not repeat, if you know what I'm saying!!!
3) If the chance is approx 30-50% that eventually I will get really sick and need to come off gluten anyway, why would I put myself through that???Again???

If anyone has a good argument one way or the other- please please please speak up. I'm listening.
K

I have the genetic marker for Celiac Disease