"Poor me" day

Sunday, October 3, 2010

I had a big, fat, ugly "poor me" day yesterday. I was again feeling ill—gut cramps, nausea and "other symptoms"; truth is, I haven't felt quite "right" since my ambulance ride on Tuesday (my last post has some more info about that). Here are the thoughts I've been having:

1) I'm so tired of being and feeling sick.

2) I'm so tired of not knowing what made me sick, and of spending hours trying to figure it out. This all goes back to Celiac symptoms being so varied and occurring in very different time frames for different people. One person could react in 20 minutes, someone else could react in 3 days, and both could continue to react for only hours or weeks.

3) I am tired of the feeling of dread that comes when my poor husband just wants to go out to dinner. The man loves eating out, and when he mentions going somewhere, I immediately want to get a staple gun and staple my mouth closed. Or maybe just call rent-a-wife so that someone "normal" could go out for a cheeseburger with him.

4) I'm tired of being hungry.  I don't deny myself food, but I get tired of eating the same thing all the time so in the end, I just get tired of eating- period. Although I may be hungry, I often walk into the kitchen, check on all my choices, and high-tail it out of there.

5) I'm tired of waiting for the "bomb" to drop. Whenever I eat anywhere but home, I know the chances of becoming sick are high. So, it's like walking around with a bomb in your guts, and you know the chances of it exploding are significant. Then when it does, I play the "well, that was really stupid of you", "why did you take that chance" game (the answer being of course "because for five minutes I wanted to feel like a normal person who can go and eat at a restaurant").

For the last year, I feel like I've been doing the gluten-free thing on a hunch, and therefore it felt like my choice. But since I found out about the DQ2 marker a week ago (see last post) I now know that this is it. This is how my life is going to be until I die. All I can do is hope that someone in this stinking city opens a gluten free restaurant (there is virtually nothing- maybe a few pizza places but I don't eat dairy so they don't do me much good) so that one day, I can just say "hey, I really feel like going out for dinner tonight!" and I can eat anything other than salad. Some days, I really hate salad.

I guess in a way, I'm mourning. I'll get over it...eventually.


Lexie said...


Sounds like you're hangin' in there. Group hug!!! I have another friend who is having bouts of illness and she just can't figure out what it is. I feel for her. Okay, so if gluten is kind of a sure thing ... how about looking into any foods that have carrageenan in them. I've heard that can do a number on some peoples' GI system. I'll be thinkin' and sending good vibes your way.


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