Eating disorder freedom

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Once upon a time, I was not very kind to my body. I starved it, binged and purged, created strange binding rituals around when, where and how often I could eat, and totally beat myself up if I failed to adhere to them. I was lifeless, controlled by food, and could think of nothing else but how I was literally starving and desperate for real nutrition.

When I finally vocalized my silent cry for help, I began weekly "counselling sessions" in which my doctor (supposedly a specialist in the field) weighed me, listen to me talk about my obsession and the unattainable weight I wanted to reach (I still remember, I wanted to be 142 pounds- so random- and I am 5'11"), then she tried to help me find places to cut from so that I could reduce my weight further. I'm not kidding. You know how you have those pivotal moments in your life that you will never forget? Here was mine:

Dr "crazy": So what did you eat for breakfast?
Starving me: I had toast with peanut butter.
Dr "crazy": Well, how much peanut butter did you use?
Starving me: Um, I don't know. [lie]
Dr "crazy": Well, if you could reduce that from say, 2 tablespoons to 1 tablespoon, you could cut some of your fat intake.

Nope. Not kidding. I was literally starving myself and this woman, that my family had trusted to help me, was trying to find ways for me to cut calories and fat. She seemed completely oblivious to the private turmoil in my soul and instead seemed to really think this whole thing was actually about the food. What a maroon...

I decided that I had to make a choice: either I stay stuck in the cycle of starve, binge, purge, guilt and self-hatred, or I choose to break free. Now, I write that in a sentence, but that was a multi-year endeavour without any help. It was grueling, soul sapping and I was alone in that aspect of my life.  I am sharing this because for any of you who are going through this same battle or know someone who is, they don't have to go it alone.

My sister Shan has launched a mentoring program, as she felt the calling to help other women; she is now free from the hell of her own eating disorder. She has developed a clear, supported method to help women pull themselves out of the grasp of their eating disorders. Whether one of "her girls" has anorexia, bulimia or compulsive, disordered eating, she has the tools, the plans and real-life advice as to how to overcome it all. Best of all: you don't have to tread that path alone. Let her be your guide.

Shan has just launched her YouTube page which I've linked to below. If you are in the grips of this terrible illness, watch her video, sign up for updates and contact her. You'll be very glad you did.


Shan Larter said...

WOW Kirsten... thanks for sharing so candidly with your readers... you are very inspiring!

It is so important to me that no woman is left behind... letting her life be resigned to feeling inadequate, unloved, and alone.

Thank you so much for sharing your story because it tells those of us, who are still 'closet binging' and engaging in our 'post meal disappearance act' for yet another purging session...

There ARE people out there who actually UNDERSTAND you... and better yet can SHOW YOU the way to be FREE!

Many of us have tried all the 'clinical recovery' methods and been very disappointed.. it is hard not to blame yourself for not recovering after getting 'professional help'...

I know I started to think maybe freedom was just not possible for me.

To let yourself hope that there ARE answers out there that WILL WORK gets tougher and tougher after each failed attempt.

Your readers are blessed by your honesty, and by your commitment to 'tell it like it is' so that we don't leave any woman behind.

Thank you!!

Anonymous said...

I just want to take this time to appologize to you for ANY part I may have ever had in your disorder back then. Like you I was also lost and felt alone. I'm so glad we had each other as friends to count on. Too bad we just could not be there to help each other in that area. I wonder why? Maybe we both lacked the tools to help each other? Hmmmm maybe we were without knowing it. I know that you were my best friend and sometimes that is all I needed from you. Just to love me no matter what. Maybe we were able to just be friends and love each other and that was good enough?

Anyway. I love you and pray that you can and have forgiven me for my stupidity back then or not being able to help you at all.

love you

Kirsten said...

Aly- you've always been in my heart and we've always supported each other the best way we've known how. We weren't always right but in the end, I have no regrets. I'm sure you've had to forgive me endless times. It's all good. Love you too.

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