Still in the dark.

Got a call from the gastroenterologist. He called me at home during the day (despite having left a message with my new work number) and he told me that it does not appear as though I have any signs of celiac disease. Of course I have questions: are you basing this only on the IgA test? Because I kind of expected that (haven't eaten gluten in about a year- except through crumbs or other contamination). Do you have the genetic panel back? If I don't have the gene, it's a pretty cut-and-dried case. My iron is low- AGAIN- despite being okay a year ago. What does that mean- supplements? Yuck. Iron makes my bad guts worse...more shots? Maybe. Who knows.

So all in all, super frustrated. Worst part? That's it. That's the one thing that conventional medicine seems to be willing to test for. Food allergies? They don't seem very interested in helping with that. Food intolerances? No help at all. What's a girl to do? Nothing apparently. So I'm litterally, after an entire year of avoiding gluten, back to where I was before. Do I have food allergies? Wheat? Corn? Dairy?  Is that's what's causing my symptoms? I guess there is only one way to find out, and it's the longest route ever- elimination diet. Go back to litterally eating nothing, then start reintroducing one thing at a time and guaging my reaction. I am SO frustrated, and so tired of not having someone who can stand up and say "Kirsten- this is what you can't eat. It makes you hurt. Don't eat it and you'll be fine."  Where is that person? Where is the test? Why is it that medicine has evolved to the point where it is, but no one can tell me why I have wicked pain, and "bad guts" weeks, or months even. When I came back from my sister's place, I was feeling so fantastic, it was ridiculous. But of course life at home is a little different, and certain things crept back into my diet that probably shouldn't have been there. But what are they? I don't want to do this. I don't want to go through this process of elimination. I am still, frankly, terrified to eat wheat. What if he's wrong? What if he gave me that diagnosis only on the basis of the IgA test, and I go ahead and slop down a couple of pieces of toast, and I die for the next week. Sigh.

Maybe I'm just destined to always be "that guy" with the stomach problems. On the up side, I haven't had any dairy except for cream in my coffee for almost two months and my acne (yes, in my 30s and still dealing with pimples) has virtually dissappeared. Yup. A few days ago I ate a piece of chocolate (milk chocolate which I never eat anymore) and for a few days I felt off. Maybe this whole year has been only because of dairy. No...I was still having problems even after I eliminated dairy... I am so SO tired of thinking about this. I want to be one of those people who eats anything. Someone who can go with the flow. Someone who won't be doubled over in pain after just "grabbing a bite" at any old restaurant. I'm tired of eating. I'm tired of eating and worrying about reacting. I'm tired of dealing with the fall-out of eating something my body doesn't like. Right now, there is no joy in food. Today, I don't ever want to eat again. I'm tired. Very very tired.

I've decided to go to the local organic market today. It is catharsis for my soul. I will squeeze and smell the freshness of the produce. I will marvel at the bright colours and hopefully be inspired to eat again. Wish me luck.

Still in the dark.